i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
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