Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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