Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
