My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
