I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
