someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
