i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
