just tell him i said nine months
i may or may not be watching the land before time
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
