I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
