I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
