so let's talk penis.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Green mimosas i think yes
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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