Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
