What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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