i was born a porn star she said
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
