i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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