Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
