she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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