help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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