96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
