My liver just broke up with me...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
