he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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