I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
