a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
