does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
