Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
