So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
