only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
