woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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