She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
