I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
