Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
