Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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