she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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