see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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