Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Randomize
