I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
