so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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