so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
