If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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