woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
