You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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