Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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