I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
