well I can't set my house on fire every night
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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