I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
