Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
