I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
