so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
