My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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