He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
