my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
