they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
